So Time Out For Women in Seattle was so great. We were gone from Thursday night until Saturday night. I had all kinds of people who helped so I could go fill my bucket. Now I feel that I can give back to others again. Yeah! We took all of Friday to shop, eat, and just truly enjoy ourselves. I was in a hotel room with Dayna Brown(a good friend and the person responsible for this great adventure), Stacy Brown (the bishop's wife and good friend), Jeannine Hokanson (twin and one great woman), and me. We seemed to get along really well and enjoyed each other's company and the talks etc that went on during the weekend.

There were so many talks that inspired me to do better, but also ones that helped me not to expect too much of myself.My favorite talk asked each of us to watch the way we talked to ourselves and then imagine that we were watching an interaction between a mother and her daughter. If we did this, the speaker asked, what would our impression be of how good a mother this person was? I think this is a small way for us to rethink the expectations we have of ourselves and the negative ways we talk to ourselves.

Another comment that had a good impression on me was one where the speaker asked us when we are looking at a problem in our lives to think what we would tell a best friend in the same situation. He said that then if we took that advice for ourselves, we would do great. I guess it's funny how we always think our problems are unsolveable and everyone else's problems are so easily fixed. I laughed so hard during the week end at funny anecdotes told by speakers and friends.

Friday afternoon, we were walking into a French Bakery when a phone call came from Nick Wise, Nathan's caseworker. It was the phone call I dreaded. He will be returning to be with his mom within the next 30 days. I know it is the best. I know that I have done the very best I could with him everyday. I know that he has enlarged my heart and my capacity to love. I know that he is a child of God not a child of mine and that no matter where he goes, God will be watching over him. But all this knowledge does not stop the tears and sadness at having him leave our home and the empty spot it will bring. On a silly note, I will not miss the tears or the diapers. Friday night Jenny Oaks Baker played the violin in a beautiful rendition of Somewhere over the Rainbow. Oddly, I sobbed through the entire thing and when it was over, I felt as if all the emotion I couldn't handle had washed away with the tears. I came home ready to "do what needs to be done" and get this sweet boy ready to transition back to his Mother. God is amazing and answers prayers, even pleadings, with exactly what I need even when I don't know I need it.